STILL???!!! or Still

      I am sometimes aware – unfortunately, or at least with a measure of judgment and disappointment – of an inner-atmosphere that is not exactly compassionate or accepting.  Sometimes my attempts to sit in stillness end up in an appalled “STILL????!!!!”. “I am STILL worried about this? triggered by this? Spinning THAT thought round and round and round???”  No specific words, really. More of an impatience with myself, a frustration and feeling of discouragement.

            The place of “STILL???!!!!” is a place of absolutes.  A place of “always” and “never”. A place of harsh judgments. “I’ll never get this right.” “I always overreact.” “This will never be ok”.  It is a place of duality -- of black OR white, right OR wrong. It is a place that is caught in time – which makes no sense. Just as holding ourselves in impatience and disapproval makes no sense.

            I suppose that tough standards for ourselves are the result of a need for safety. In our humanity, we do our best to survive and feel safe – even if it means self-betrayal.  We do whatever we feel we need to do to be accepted and cared for. Bringing those tough standards and unconscious beliefs to consciousness is not always easy. On a deep level, we still believe that our survival depends upon that belief we’re holding on to. When we try to shed light on the unconscious beliefs, the old, original, irrational fears can be triggered. We fear for our very survival.

I imagine it’s like a glitch on a hard drive that causes quirks in a computer. We can function in the world, but are sometimes quirky. We do what we need to do but are, perhaps, dissatisfied. Some unconscious beliefs are far more destructive and keep us from experiencing basic happiness or a sense of connection with life itself.

How do we transform “STILL?????!!!!!” to still? To stillness. Peace. Acceptance. Compassion.

I believe Rumi expresses it beautifully:

Rumi - Guest House

This being human is a guest house


Every morning a new arrival.


A joy, a depression, a meanness,


some momentary awareness

comes 
as an unexpected visitor.


Welcome and entertain them all!


Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently

sweep your house
 empty of its furniture,


still treat each guest honorably.


He may be clearing you out for some new delight.


The dark thought, the shame, the malice,


meet them at the door laughing,


and invite them in.


Be grateful for whoever comes,


because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.

50 THINGS

Turning 50 this month and aware of a wide variety of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, ‘rules to live by’ etc., that I wish I had known a long, long time ago (although I probably would not have wanted to hear nor could have understood at the time). 

So here goes (and not in any particular order):

1    Love yourself.  Love yourself madly, passionately, whole-heartedly.

2.     Everything and everyone is God. This is closely related to #1.

3.     Learn to perceive life from a variety of perspectives: physical, mental/emotional, soul and spirit.

4.     Be the best parent to yourself, providing loving, gentle discipline (self-discipline), including getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy food – veggies before dessert, etc. – drinking lots of water and exercising consistently.

5.     The things that irk the most have hidden in them the greatest lessons, although often humbling and sometimes painful.

6.     Trust that life is unfolding just as it should.

7.     Your true friends will be there no matter what. (See #6).

8.     Gossip is hurtful and never a good idea.

9.     There is no “time out” from life and living well.

10. Know the difference between your thoughts/mind/intellect and your emotions/heart/feelings and consciously use both.

11. Trust your intuition.

12. The only true problem is stagnation, which is very different from stillness, as stillness is necessary for a peaceful life.

13. Notice beauty.

14. Figure out what you love to do and create and do it often.

15. You are of God, a Divine being. Everything you think, say, do, experience is of God. Act and live with conscious awareness of this Truth.

16. There is meaning in everything and it’s up to each of us to find the meaning.

17. Live in integrity – especially with yourself.

18. Be bold. Take risks.

19. Live beyond the good or bad opinion of others. What other people think of you truly doesn’t matter.

20. Recognize when you’re doing the same thing expecting a different result and – with huge compassion – try something else.

21. Dance often.

22. Make love often

23. Enjoy living sensually – good food, fine wine, surrounded by beauty.

24. We are all connected to each other and to Nature.

25. Play.

26. At every age, know what brings you joy and find a way to partake in that joy.

27. Be generous, with your time, talent, money, stuff. It is in giving that we receive.

28. Learn something new every day.

29. Remember the things you dreamed of being and doing as a child and either do them or do the essence of them.

30. Laugh often. Cry as often as you need to. (See #17).

31. Love yourself enough to be protective of yourself and your time.

32. There is always time for what’s most important to you.

33. Cherish true friendship.

34. Let the people that you love know that you love them, sometimes by saying so but more often by your actions.

35. Let go of all expectations of what you thought life was supposed to be and let life show you what it is.

36. Live what’s possible, not what’s probable.

37. Build on your passions.

38. Notice beauty – flowers, birdsong, wind, rain, sunrises, sunsets, grass, etc. and be grateful.

39. Give thanks for everything.

40. Ask questions.

41. Be open to true connections with every person you meet, whether  a cashier at the grocery store or a long-lost friend.

42. Communicate in person as much as possible, or by telephone, i.e, don’t hide behind texts and facebook, which are wonderful ways to keep in touch but not a replacement for the real thing.

43. Let go of things that no longer work – including relationships, jobs, ideas, beliefs, etc., etc.

44. Try new things often.

45. Be curious, as a child experiencing for the first time.

46. Don’t wait to do the things that are important or exciting or simply fun. Live now.

47. Be honest, especially with yourself, and impeccable with your word.

48. Pray, meditate, contemplate. Have a disciplined practice of connecting with God and make sure that it works for you, as opposed to being something you were told to do or feel you “should” do. Keep searching for your way of connecting with God until you find it and you’ll know you found it when it’s a visceral experience.

49. Live with love as your main purpose.

50. Age is only as important as you let it be.

So have I missed anything?

The Magic of Language

 A word after a word after a word is power.

                                                                        from Margaret Atwood’s poem, Spelling

Words . . . are little houses, each with its cellar and garret. . . . To mount too high or descend too low is allowed in the case of poets, who bring earth and sky together.

                                                                        Gaston Bachelard

 Words about words – like looking up the word “dictionary” in the dictionary.  There’s an absurdity to it. It’s almost circular and nonsensical. I recently read an article in which a man described a night in Indonesia. He was staying in a hut in the middle of rice paddies.  It was a spectacular, star-filled night and the vast night sky was perfectly reflected in the dark, flat water surrounding him. He described feeling weightless, not sure which way was up. Something about the reflection was disorienting, as using words to describe words may be. The definition of “word” is: “a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning.” The definition goes on to say that words are “composed of one or more morphemes”, etc. etc. – which is a word I don’t know the meaning of. Interesting that I don’t understand the definition of the word “word”.

We communicate through the words that we speak, hear, read, write and there’s an assumption that what we mean to say is being understood by our chosen audience. But each word is rich in its own history and meaning, in addition to being subject to individual interpretation.  When I ask for a little enthusiasm for something I’m starting in my life, am I consciously aware of asking for, essentially, divine inspiration.  (en-, in, within + theos, god or “possessed by god”).  Clearly not a conscious request, as the word “enthusiasm” has somehow been watered down to a more cheerleader-like quality then its original magnitude may suggest.

It makes me wonder if I’m ever really saying, or hearing, what is truly being said.  What is understanding?  The etymology of “understanding” is “standing in the midst of.” Perhaps we are meant to allow words to engulf us, like a reflected starry sky, so that the true meaning – altered and enhanced from the original attempt to express a new idea by each murmur and expression  of it  – can have its impact.

The Tragic, Wonderful Insight

There is no promise that will be fulfilled. No savior. No salvation. All the good deeds and good behavior shall culminate in more of the same. More moments. Just like this moment is a moment. Not at all like this moment.

I have been living for the promise. For the future guarantee. For the happily-ever-after. For the prince charming, for god’s sake. The one that comes when things are looking really dire. When I’m in my own little corner, in my own little chair. When I’ve given up. When I least expect it. Well I’ve given up and have been least expecting it for quite some time now. I’ve lived through a long long stretch of dire. And through it, came to deeper and deeper places in myself, found acceptance, perhaps even found god, or at least the energy that experientially has opened to me as the god-force.

And maybe it is this new knowing that made me able to grasp the harsh, wonderful truth that nothing newer, better, brighter or shinier is waiting for me around the next corner of time. There is only me and there is only now. This now. Right here and now. Settled into my body. This present moment body.

Here’s what gets funny about this realization:  it feels like now I can truly be open to receiving my truest desires, or not receiving them – because it just doesn’t matter that much. The having or not having does not define who I am and I am not identified by any thing in (or not in) my life. There is no better or worse – those judgments are in space and time. So in my humanity, I have preferences, wishes, desires – all part of the physical world. But the Truth of me, myself at my essence, there’s only now. And it is good.

I confess to mourning the lost dream, the somewhere over the rainbow. In humanity, there is something strangely attractive about pain and heartache. When I first got the real hit of the insight, I cried. I sobbed. I felt like “I” was dying – and I suppose I did die. I am not a victim to this life story. I am not a helpless Cinderella waiting for my prince to come. I stand firmly in the power of Truth. Who I am is so much broader than just my desire. I have been defining myself by my unfulfilled desires, and making myself small and weak, or even worse – worthless and bad. I was using my own life story against myself.  Until now. This now. Right here, right now.

What Is A Fire Ceremony?

The Fire Ceremony is a ritual performed for healing and transformation and is one of the core traditions of the shaman. Any individual may participate. A stick is used to represent an issue that one is offering for change or clarity. The stick appears solid and unchangeable yet once it is offered to the flames, it is transformed into warmth and beautiful fire. Similarly, the issues we deem difficult – our old stories and limiting beliefs - can transform, especially when we are willing to acknowledge our own intuition and spiritual guidance that is always available. In our society especially we seem to forget the Divine support that is ever present. The Fire Ceremony can act as a reminder.

At the Fire Ceremony, we are invited to honor both our past experiences and the new that we are inviting into our lives.  We release the past with gratitude, for it is what has brought us to this present moment. We acknowledge the gifts of every experience.

Each person has the opportunity to offer his or her stick to the fire.  We can also be energetically fed by the fire by running our hands through the smoke and flames and drawing the energy into our bellies, hearts and forehead, our three main energy centers.

The Fire Ceremony takes place within Sacred Space, a space of safety and balance, and is typically held around the full or new moon (although a Fire Ceremony can take place at any time). Ideally the ceremony takes place outdoors so that we can easily connect to all the elements.  But it is one’s intention that creates the true power of ceremony and ritual, so that an indoor Fire Ceremony using a candle can be equally as effective and powerful.

The Fire Ceremony is also performed with the intention of healing the community and the Earth.  Another stick is passed around the circle of people present so that each can offer their prayers and blessings for the healing of the planet and the stick is offered to the fire.

Participating in a Fire Ceremony also creates an opportunity for community -  people gathered with the intention of healing – for themselves and the Earth.

Where I Come From

 Everyone is a masterpiece, because God never gives birth to anything less than that. Everyone carries that masterpiece hidden for many lives, not knowing who they are and just trying on the surface to become someone. Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it. God himself has created you; you cannot be improved.

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

            We start our physical lives keenly aware of only that – our physical bodies and what we need to simply survive. We scream when we’re wet or hungry.  Perhaps we scream when we simply want companionship or to be seen. The only language that an infant has initially is a cry, or at least the most obvious and easily noticed.  I suppose that an infant’s quiet contentment and the in-and-out steady flow of breath are other forms of communication.  I don’t know of anyone who has true memories of infancy and whether we are born with any level of awareness or our state of being pre-birth. Do we recall where we came from?

            I heard a story once of a four year old asking if he could spend a few minutes alone with his newborn baby sister. The parents were a little puzzled and even a little concerned but told their son that he could and that his sister was in her crib in the nursery – while they listened intently at the child monitor.  They heard their son enter the nursery and, after a moment, they heard him say to his sister, “Hi. I know that you must still remember and I’m starting to forget. I don’t want to forget. Can you please remind me what it was like?”

            I like to think that we do remember. That our infant eyes look out into the world while still holding an awareness of the wisdom of the ages. I like to think that we are so connected to the infinity of love and light from whence we came that we can forgive our parents and our families the limited human love and care that we receive.  In comparison, it must be limited. But from the vastness of unconditionality, connection and a knowing Unity, there can be no sense of disappointment. Maybe we love hearing the power of our own screaming infant cries. Maybe the first few pangs of physical hunger are welcomed. “Yes! This is what I came here for!” To feel the contrast. To feel what empty feels like when we know only fullness.

            Then we forget.  Hunger and longing and pain are very difficult without the contrast of fullness and Unity.  In our humanity, we become driven by needs fulfillment. This seems to quickly become an endless drive and not terribly satisfying. There is always, it seems, another need to be fulfilled and the conditioning is so powerful and pervasive that we even begin to create new needs faster than we can satisfy the needs that are already unmet. Life becomes a constant pursuit.

            But. . .

            Under all of the effort, the trying, the pursuing, the waiting, the “if only”s, there seems to be something. A sense of having forgotten something, something of incredible importance. Maybe it’s that something that we see when we hold a tiny infant and he or she holds our gaze for an instant. Maybe it’s the same something that we feel when a little one asks if we want to play and smiles with such trust and hope. Maybe for a moment we are sharing our common memory.

Whose Camp Are You In?

Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.

                                                                                                            Mary Oliver

            We are given this one “wild and precious” life. (Regardless of whether you believe in past or future lives, I’d say that this one is wild and precious).  It surprises me, then, how easy it is to focus on other people’s lives and what they are doing or not doing, what they could or should be doing or how things could be if only they would have been doing, or seeing, or understanding, or listening, or . . . It is surprisingly easy and even entertaining to see other people’s issues and come up with the appropriate – and obvious – resolutions.

            And all the while, our own lives and issues and choices remain unattended to.  It is impossible to ponder and contemplate other people’s lives while paying close enough attention to our own.  There is no one left manning our own camp which sits lonely, abandoned and neglected.

            So I ask, whose camp are you in? Where do you spend most of your time, in your own camp or in someone else’s? And if you’re in someone else’s, has another person stepped in to manage yours?  If so, how is that working out?

            “Camp” is defined as a “temporary structure used on an outing or vacation”, which could be a quite adequate description of life. Our light bodies are given a physical body for this temporary human existence.  Interesting that another definition of the word “camp” references battle and battlefields and a group of troops.  I suppose that we have the option – the daily option, or even the moment-to-moment option – of making life a pleasant vacation-like experience or a constant struggle, battling everything around us and, oftentimes, ourselves.

            A well cared-for camp would provide the sense and feeling that everything needed is available. Right here. I feel secure because I know that I have everything that I need.  If things feel a little vacant or lacking, it’s up to me to make the repairs and make my camp as welcoming and comforting as I can.  It is amazing what pure, positive attention can do to bring warmth and transformation.

After all, this is my one wild and precious life.