The Weight of Thoughts

I went for a walk on the beach recently. I was alone; it was fairly early in the morning. There were a few people fishing off the beach and a few people walking. Mostly, there were large expanses of sand, water and sun. I walked and enjoyed the beauty. My mind was fairly quiet. Sometimes thoughts would come and I’d follow them and they would pass. Even the really enjoyable thoughts. I remembered some funny things that really made me laugh and even those thoughts passed.

Another experience that comes to mind was a fairly recent dinner with a friend. We were having a really nice time talking, sharing and laughing. At one point, we both started laughing at something silly that had happened and the thought arose that perhaps my friend was laughing AT me, that maybe I had done something inappropriate or wrong. The thought didn’t pass. It got bigger. My whole body joined the energy of the thought. I felt constricted in my chest. I felt ashamed. All my joyful energy drained out of me.

As I compare the two experiences, I feel confused. What gives thoughts their ‘weight’ or staying value? And do I have any choice in the matter?

In the past, I might have stayed in the feeling of shame that resulted from the dinner experience. It could have taken me hours, even days, to shift out of the feeling, sometimes without ever knowing, consciously, the trigger.

My choice, my intention, is to let ALL thoughts that bubble up pass. If my mind notices something worthwhile, some divine inspiration, I can choose to look more closely. I’m giving my body new directives about how to respond to negative, shameful thoughts. Apparently the “default settings” had been to catch any negative, shameful thought and join in. I’m turning that off. I choose to be an ‘equal opportunity’ thought processor. Funny, happy thoughts now get equal attention as negative, shameful thoughts. They are equally weighted. I’ll watch them all bubble up and pass. Like the waves on the shore – reaching up then receding into the vast ocean.

A Conversation

            Ok. What do I do? How about I simply stay with you as best I can for as long as I can.

            I’m surprised. You’ve been so reluctant to even acknowledge me, much less be with me.

            I know. I’m so, so sorry. I was afraid. I thought I wanted to die myself and didn’t think I had the strength.

            You’ve always been mistaken about that, you know. About strength. You somehow still think that it’s YOUR strength, your “expertise” that keeps everything going. I don’t even know how you can maintain believing something so crazy. That’s actually part of why I had to leave. There’s a power, an unlimited power that you can tap in to, which is where true safety and security rest. It’s not about doing more to have safety and security. It’s about relaxing into it and letting yourself stop your own mechanisms and habits.  All that crazy running around was needed – when you were a child. You are no longer a child and have had powerful experiences of the Truth. But somehow you continue rejecting the fullness of the Truth. Why do you want to stay small and scared?

            It doesn’t feel like I have a choice.

            You can feel how saying that lie hurts your own heart. Your whole self is fine-tuned to recognize Truth. You know, in your heart, that you have the power to choose and always have.

            I’ve thought that you were causing me pain and making crazy, unreasonable demands.

            I’ve been trying to get your attention – and you experience that as pain. I don’t think it would feel painful if you didn’t grip around it or try to push me away. Stop being so afraid. Just because the people around you were afraid does not mean you have to be. You get to choose.

            The thought of that makes me want to just lay down and give up.

            That may be the best idea that you’ve had in a long time. You see, you don’t have to work hard at living. You can simply live. Be curious. Explore. Feel. You actually don’t have to figure things out before they happen. That’s exhausting. You constantly worry about being wrong and making a mistake. What you have to realize is that you made up the rules of what’s right and acceptable.  Just broaden those!  What if everything is ok just because IT IS. 

           

You are actually concerned about being bored! My goodness.  It will definitely feel different. Perhaps initially you will sense some kind of vacancy, sort of like life slowing down. That’s just a relative perception; you’ve been trying to stay ahead of life (which is impossible, by the way).

            You’re still confused.  So there’s YOU – life force, clarity, joy. YOU are shaman. YOU see people’s wholeness. Actually you see people’s Truth and wholeness with stunning clarity.

            There is also “you”. That’s your adult persona self. Extremely competent and sufficient. This is the face you most often show the world (although that is changing). “you” are bound by the lies you were told and carry the wounds of your experiences. “you” are guarded, afraid and doubtful. “you” analyze and figure out and think you can master Truth through discipline, study and intellectual understanding. “your” work has been valuable – but limited. “you” are not on a path to freedom.

            And who are you?

            Oh!  Glad you asked! We can say that I’m you-essence. I appear to be a child but I carry the wisdom of the ages. Because I appear to be a child, you’ve been afraid of me and have refused to listen to me. I sometimes cause big movements of energy in your belly.  I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER HOW ALIVE YOU REALLY ARE!!! I know that there is pain and fear in your story and I’m here to remind you that there is more. That who you are is way more than those experiences.

            I thought that I sensed wailing cries from you?

            Yes, sometimes I shed loud tears in my hunger for you to relax and experience the fullness of life. Please do not fear me. I am your ally. Tears are part of the fullness of life’s experiences.

            What’s needed from me now?

            Simply, a powerful choice to live fully. A sincere willingness to let go of the past and the false structure you’ve created for your life. A commitment to living from your connection to your own heart. And you need not be concerned. What is True in its essence can never be lost. Keep coming home, to that sacred space within you.

Synchronicity and Living in Integrity

Nothing here below is profane for those who know how to see. On the contrary, everything is sacred.

                                                                                  Teilhard de Chardin

We live in a benevolent universe and we have been given the freedom to interpret our life events, large and small, in any manner that we choose. It has been my choice to find meaning in even the smallest details. By noticing the details, I can often tell if I’m on the right track.

What is the ‘right track’? To me, it has to do with integrity. Living from integrity means that the externals, the story line, is congruent with my core values and beliefs. When my energy and focus are no something that I believe in, something that makes my heart sing, then it’s as if the universe says “Yes!”, if I choose to notice.

Living in this way involves a deep commitment to knowing Self and to aligning words, thoughts, actions and behaviors with Truth.

So how does it feel when I’m in integrity and open to synchronicity? Life is easier. I find parking spaces, people smile in the line at the grocery store, I make it through the intersection before the light changes. And when I’m not in integrity? Flat tires, sore throats, computer freezing, grumbling clients .   .  .

Too simplistic? Maybe. Do I always notice every detail? Of course not. But when I choose to notice, I’m often surprised at the clarity of the answer. I suppose there’s a part of me that has known all along whether the choices I’m making support my goals and values. Noticing the details is just one way to slow down and remember.

When

the words stop

and you can endure the silence

that reveals your heart's pain

of emptiness

or that great wrenching sweet longing,

that is the time to try and listen

to what the Beloved's eyes

most want to

say.

HAFIZ