The Weight of Thoughts

I went for a walk on the beach recently. I was alone; it was fairly early in the morning. There were a few people fishing off the beach and a few people walking. Mostly, there were large expanses of sand, water and sun. I walked and enjoyed the beauty. My mind was fairly quiet. Sometimes thoughts would come and I’d follow them and they would pass. Even the really enjoyable thoughts. I remembered some funny things that really made me laugh and even those thoughts passed.

Another experience that comes to mind was a fairly recent dinner with a friend. We were having a really nice time talking, sharing and laughing. At one point, we both started laughing at something silly that had happened and the thought arose that perhaps my friend was laughing AT me, that maybe I had done something inappropriate or wrong. The thought didn’t pass. It got bigger. My whole body joined the energy of the thought. I felt constricted in my chest. I felt ashamed. All my joyful energy drained out of me.

As I compare the two experiences, I feel confused. What gives thoughts their ‘weight’ or staying value? And do I have any choice in the matter?

In the past, I might have stayed in the feeling of shame that resulted from the dinner experience. It could have taken me hours, even days, to shift out of the feeling, sometimes without ever knowing, consciously, the trigger.

My choice, my intention, is to let ALL thoughts that bubble up pass. If my mind notices something worthwhile, some divine inspiration, I can choose to look more closely. I’m giving my body new directives about how to respond to negative, shameful thoughts. Apparently the “default settings” had been to catch any negative, shameful thought and join in. I’m turning that off. I choose to be an ‘equal opportunity’ thought processor. Funny, happy thoughts now get equal attention as negative, shameful thoughts. They are equally weighted. I’ll watch them all bubble up and pass. Like the waves on the shore – reaching up then receding into the vast ocean.

A Conversation

            Ok. What do I do? How about I simply stay with you as best I can for as long as I can.

            I’m surprised. You’ve been so reluctant to even acknowledge me, much less be with me.

            I know. I’m so, so sorry. I was afraid. I thought I wanted to die myself and didn’t think I had the strength.

            You’ve always been mistaken about that, you know. About strength. You somehow still think that it’s YOUR strength, your “expertise” that keeps everything going. I don’t even know how you can maintain believing something so crazy. That’s actually part of why I had to leave. There’s a power, an unlimited power that you can tap in to, which is where true safety and security rest. It’s not about doing more to have safety and security. It’s about relaxing into it and letting yourself stop your own mechanisms and habits.  All that crazy running around was needed – when you were a child. You are no longer a child and have had powerful experiences of the Truth. But somehow you continue rejecting the fullness of the Truth. Why do you want to stay small and scared?

            It doesn’t feel like I have a choice.

            You can feel how saying that lie hurts your own heart. Your whole self is fine-tuned to recognize Truth. You know, in your heart, that you have the power to choose and always have.

            I’ve thought that you were causing me pain and making crazy, unreasonable demands.

            I’ve been trying to get your attention – and you experience that as pain. I don’t think it would feel painful if you didn’t grip around it or try to push me away. Stop being so afraid. Just because the people around you were afraid does not mean you have to be. You get to choose.

            The thought of that makes me want to just lay down and give up.

            That may be the best idea that you’ve had in a long time. You see, you don’t have to work hard at living. You can simply live. Be curious. Explore. Feel. You actually don’t have to figure things out before they happen. That’s exhausting. You constantly worry about being wrong and making a mistake. What you have to realize is that you made up the rules of what’s right and acceptable.  Just broaden those!  What if everything is ok just because IT IS. 

           

You are actually concerned about being bored! My goodness.  It will definitely feel different. Perhaps initially you will sense some kind of vacancy, sort of like life slowing down. That’s just a relative perception; you’ve been trying to stay ahead of life (which is impossible, by the way).

            You’re still confused.  So there’s YOU – life force, clarity, joy. YOU are shaman. YOU see people’s wholeness. Actually you see people’s Truth and wholeness with stunning clarity.

            There is also “you”. That’s your adult persona self. Extremely competent and sufficient. This is the face you most often show the world (although that is changing). “you” are bound by the lies you were told and carry the wounds of your experiences. “you” are guarded, afraid and doubtful. “you” analyze and figure out and think you can master Truth through discipline, study and intellectual understanding. “your” work has been valuable – but limited. “you” are not on a path to freedom.

            And who are you?

            Oh!  Glad you asked! We can say that I’m you-essence. I appear to be a child but I carry the wisdom of the ages. Because I appear to be a child, you’ve been afraid of me and have refused to listen to me. I sometimes cause big movements of energy in your belly.  I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER HOW ALIVE YOU REALLY ARE!!! I know that there is pain and fear in your story and I’m here to remind you that there is more. That who you are is way more than those experiences.

            I thought that I sensed wailing cries from you?

            Yes, sometimes I shed loud tears in my hunger for you to relax and experience the fullness of life. Please do not fear me. I am your ally. Tears are part of the fullness of life’s experiences.

            What’s needed from me now?

            Simply, a powerful choice to live fully. A sincere willingness to let go of the past and the false structure you’ve created for your life. A commitment to living from your connection to your own heart. And you need not be concerned. What is True in its essence can never be lost. Keep coming home, to that sacred space within you.

Synchronicity and Living in Integrity

Nothing here below is profane for those who know how to see. On the contrary, everything is sacred.

                                                                                  Teilhard de Chardin

We live in a benevolent universe and we have been given the freedom to interpret our life events, large and small, in any manner that we choose. It has been my choice to find meaning in even the smallest details. By noticing the details, I can often tell if I’m on the right track.

What is the ‘right track’? To me, it has to do with integrity. Living from integrity means that the externals, the story line, is congruent with my core values and beliefs. When my energy and focus are no something that I believe in, something that makes my heart sing, then it’s as if the universe says “Yes!”, if I choose to notice.

Living in this way involves a deep commitment to knowing Self and to aligning words, thoughts, actions and behaviors with Truth.

So how does it feel when I’m in integrity and open to synchronicity? Life is easier. I find parking spaces, people smile in the line at the grocery store, I make it through the intersection before the light changes. And when I’m not in integrity? Flat tires, sore throats, computer freezing, grumbling clients .   .  .

Too simplistic? Maybe. Do I always notice every detail? Of course not. But when I choose to notice, I’m often surprised at the clarity of the answer. I suppose there’s a part of me that has known all along whether the choices I’m making support my goals and values. Noticing the details is just one way to slow down and remember.

When

the words stop

and you can endure the silence

that reveals your heart's pain

of emptiness

or that great wrenching sweet longing,

that is the time to try and listen

to what the Beloved's eyes

most want to

say.

HAFIZ

Listening and the Power of Silence

Much silence makes a powerful noise.

                                                African proverb

Apparently one of the things I picked up along the way is that when someone describes a problem or situation to me, I’m supposed to fix it. I slowly realized that, not only am I not capable of fixing or figuring out other peoples’ problems, but other people don’t usually want me to fix them! Another old habit of listening and responding is, as I’m hearing the other person’s story, I’m also thinking of an experience that either matches or tops what I’m ‘hearing’. In some situations, this can be a fun exchange, but sometimes it’s not what’s needed.

So, what to do??

Listen. Make listening an active verb. Listen with your whole body. What I have found is that, when I listen with my heart, what I hear is beyond words. And when I’m able to stay in my heart, my response, if needed, goes to the essence of the situation.

When one of my daughters was in her second week of first grade, one of her classmate’s mother died. Among the parents who knew about the situation, there was so much sadness and a nervousness with respect to the uncertainty of sharing this difficult situation with our six year olds. On the first day of school, the teacher had given the class a year-long assignment of keeping a daily journal, and on Mondays some of the kids would share what they had written. The teacher told me about the Monday after Megan’s mother’s death. Megan volunteered to read from her journal and, with some hesitation and fear, the teacher called on Megan who read “My mother died a few days ago. I went to her funeral . . . “ and went on to describe her 6 year old experience of her mother’s death. After Megan stopped reading, the class sat in complete silence for some time, then broke out in applause.

What struck me about this story was the power of slence and the ineffectiveness of words in some situations. Perhaps more noteworthy is the fact that a group of six year olds knew instinctively how to handle the situation. Sometimes it feels like we don’t need to learn more, we just need to un-learn some of the things we’ve been taught.

I heard real listening described once as an act of pure love. Being fully heard is a heart-felt experience. So simple. So powerful.

Synchronicity - Living in the Flow

 Flow is the natural, effortless unfolding of our life in a way that moves us toward wholeness and harmony.

                        From The Power of Flow, by Charlene Belitz and Meg Lundstrum

Looking back over my life, there were expanses of time where things felt easy and effortless; there were other stretches of time where it felt that there were roadblocks at every turn. Just life? I used to think so. But having become aware of synchronicity, I’ve changed my mind.

Carl Jung described synchronicity as “the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer.” This is a difficult concept for a society raised on “Just the facts.” We were taught to rely on logic, intellect and events that can be seen and explained. Our entire educational system and thought patterns have been, for centuries, based on empirical information.

But in recent years, science and physics have proven that the belief of the person performing the experiment affects the outcome. That results can be affected by the intention and expectation of the experimenter.

I remember reading The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield many years ago. It was the first time I heard suggested that ‘there are no coincidences’ and, through the story, I felt encouraged to play with that idea. To me, this meant noticing patterns and details, events that would have gone unnoticed previously.

For example, I remember driving down I-95 to a meeting that I was very anxious about. I was spinning the anticipated details around in my head, quickly raising my level of stress. I noticed a car that had been next to me for some time and when I looked over, the driver gave me the sweetest smile, then pulled ahead. I felt that I had been visited by an angel, and I stopped the anxiety producing thinking.

Sound wacky? Maybe. But it works for me.

Most synchronistic events in our lives either go unnoticed or are explained as simply coincidence, luck or happenstance. But life events started looking differently to me when I made the choice to notice -- when I was willing to see meaning in mundane events. Simply noticing makes a difference.

Awe and Wonder

Some time ago, I was online looking for an article I had seen referenced in Spirituality & Health. I found the article, then noticed a self-test to determine what spiritual practices would be most beneficial. I took the test and the spiritual practice that was recommended for me was WONDER.

“There is no end to the things that can awaken our wonder, from the majesty of the night sky to the smell of lilacs in the spring to the turning of the leaves in the fall. And it is all right here, a feast of epiphanies and astonishments in the daily round of our spiritual lives.” (Spirituality & Health website).

Wonder. I like the feeling of wonder. I went from the computer to the TV and flipped to an early morning show and they were talking about .  .  .  . Wonder.  Awe and wonder. I had to laugh, and felt a sense of gratitude for experiencing another mini-miracle.

The message I got was, instead of focusing my attention on what’s not working in my life (which can sometimes be a habit), try looking around at all the beauty. I looked into my backyard and chose to notice the trees and how they were swaying softly in the breeze. I noticed a few butterflies and dragonflies. I noticed the colors of the grass, flowers, trees, sky, clouds – so much to take in.  I felt grounded again; I felt my connection to the universe.

So, awe and wonder is a choice for me now. A practice. Each day I’ll “slow down and tune into the varied world of this and that.” (Spirituality and Health website). Slowing down and tuning in – that’s great advice.  It’s wonder-ful.