Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Tragic, Wonderful Insight

There is no promise that will be fulfilled. No savior. No salvation. All the good deeds and good behavior shall culminate in more of the same. More moments. Just like this moment is a moment. Not at all like this moment.

I have been living for the promise. For the future guarantee. For the happily-ever-after. For the prince charming, for god’s sake. The one that comes when things are looking really dire. When I’m in my own little corner, in my own little chair. When I’ve given up. When I least expect it. Well I’ve given up and have been least expecting it for quite some time now. I’ve lived through a long long stretch of dire. And through it, came to deeper and deeper places in myself, found acceptance, perhaps even found god, or at least the energy that experientially has opened to me as the god-force.

And maybe it is this new knowing that made me able to grasp the harsh, wonderful truth that nothing newer, better, brighter or shinier is waiting for me around the next corner of time. There is only me and there is only now. This now. Right here and now. Settled into my body. This present moment body.

Here’s what gets funny about this realization:  it feels like now I can truly be open to receiving my truest desires, or not receiving them – because it just doesn’t matter that much. The having or not having does not define who I am and I am not identified by any thing in (or not in) my life. There is no better or worse – those judgments are in space and time. So in my humanity, I have preferences, wishes, desires – all part of the physical world. But the Truth of me, myself at my essence, there’s only now. And it is good.

I confess to mourning the lost dream, the somewhere over the rainbow. In humanity, there is something strangely attractive about pain and heartache. When I first got the real hit of the insight, I cried. I sobbed. I felt like “I” was dying – and I suppose I did die. I am not a victim to this life story. I am not a helpless Cinderella waiting for my prince to come. I stand firmly in the power of Truth. Who I am is so much broader than just my desire. I have been defining myself by my unfulfilled desires, and making myself small and weak, or even worse – worthless and bad. I was using my own life story against myself.  Until now. This now. Right here, right now.

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